i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
