I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
