Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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