So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
