You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
