I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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