got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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