home. puking in laundry basket.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
