why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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