hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
