I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
