He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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