I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
