New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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