instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
