just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Girls should come with a carfax report
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
