I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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