Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
