I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just want to make out with him forever
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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