I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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