Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
