my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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