so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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