do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
