so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
