Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I lost the right to judge tonight
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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