i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So. Much. Porn.
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