Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
