I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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