How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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