Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
