A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
