my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
