Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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