I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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