First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
worst night to have a conscience
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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