Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
