so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
