It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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