my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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