Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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