I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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