I just pynch a tree in the face
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
