What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
