Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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