Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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