Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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