he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
