I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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