so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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