Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
