3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
