my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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