so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
